I have a confession to make

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The Lord has been telling me for a while now to practice my songs.  And as much as I am in the habit of obeying the Lord no matter what - here comes my confession - I have not done as He said.

Why?

I figure, why bother?  Who's going to hear them anyway?  I feel like Demi Lovato from her song "Anyone."

"I feel stupid when I sing
Nobody's listening to me
Nobody's listening"

But I know that God is listening.  Is that enough for me?  Do I need an audience?  Can't I just sing for the joy of singing?  Especially songs that came from my heart, soul, and spirit?

I've been through so much in the past - many negative experiences that have left their mark on me.  That is not an excuse.  Just how it is.  I really have to muster up the energy to sit down at the keyboard and sing any more.  

As a child, I would sit at the piano for hours and just sing and play.  What fun I had!  

Of course, that was eons ago, and in between then and now, well, life happened.

I feel like I need some outer prod, some vote of confidence to get me rolling again.  But it's not coming.

Inner motivation.  Oy.  Just typing the words wears me out.

I'm in good health, praise God, and am not depressed (at least not that I'm aware of!), though staring at the same four walls for 15 months I'm sure has taken its toll!  

Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that I am going to obey God and just do it.  Forget about "leaning on my own understanding."  I don't understand why He has told me to do this!  So I will trust Him and acknowledge Him in this, and He promises to direct my paths.

I set a practice schedule for one song per day.  Wrote them down in my appointment book.  That may not sound like much, but I want to really know the song and if I try to practice too many songs at once, I will get overwhelmed.  I've come a long way since my college days of practicing with great focus for four hours at a time!

Just because I wrote the song doesn't mean I don't need to practice it!  I know that may sound strange, but even though I know my songs, I still need to practice them!

Since I've written over 50 songs, it will take me up to the end of August to accomplish this Herculean task.  Yes, it seems Herculean to me right now.  But I hope once I give in to it, it will energize me once again.  And, hopefully, I will find my joy again.  Not because I'm forcing it or "making it happen."

Simply because I am choosing to obey the Lord.

I have no idea where all of this is leading.  I have no idea if anyone still will hear my songs any more than they are now (via YouTube, mostly).  That's not the point anyway.  

At the end of his obedience, Noah had an ark to show for it.  

I believe that all acts of obedience to God bring blessings to our lives.  And they're not always immediate either.  I've walked with Jesus long enough to know that I can't schedule His blessings!  

So even if after the two-month quest is over, who knows what blessings I will find?  

It's all about trust.  Will I show my trust in the Lord by obeying Him?  Even if I'm not motivated?  Even when I don't understand why He is telling me to do something?  Even when it's hard?  I've done it many times in the past, so yes - I know I can keep obeying God, by His grace and power in me.

So this is more than a confession I've written here - my admission that I have not done what the Lord told me to do.  No matter what excuse I give Him, or myself for that matter, disobedience to God is always the worst choice.

This is more than a confession because I'm going to blog and/or vlog about my daily practice sessions for you over the next two months.  Exciting, huh?!  Just keep checking back here every day.  And when I post a vlog, I will post the link to it here, too.

I am confident that the Lord has much to teach me, and you(!), in this process.  

And who knows?  In addition to blessing me in this obedience, He just might have some blessings for you in this, too!  After all, we are still reaping the blessings of Noah's obedience - the human race is still here!

And now, as soon as I click "publish" here, I am accountable to y'all!  Gulp.

Dear Lord.  First of all, please forgive me for not obeying You.  This is not like me.  So I am going to obey You in this and thank You in advance for all of the blessings You will provide as a result.  Please give me energy and help me stay the course, Lord, until I have obeyed You fully!  And as I blog and vlog daily, use me to motivate and encourage others in the process, too.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.

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