Putting Jesus first

This morning, during my quiet time, I was thinking about how I put the Lord first.  My internal dialogue went something like this.

Lord, I put You before my husband.  I felt the Spirit in agreement.
Lord, I put You before family.  I felt the Spirit's approval in this, too.
Lord, I put You before self.  Crickets.

That is where the Spirit stopped me short.  Not so much agreement there.

Oh, Lord.  How do I do this?  I do not want to put myself before You!  Help!

I felt the Spirit speaking to my heart:

You do this every time you don't trust Me about something or someone.  You put your human reasoning first instead of My Omniscience about a person or situation.  This, My beloved is nothing but pride.

Ouch.  The deadliest of all sins.  And yet I know the Lord has humbled me through the many years I have known Him - and I let Him humble me.

So is pride something we wrestle with as long as we're in this body?  And how do we even know we still wrestle with it?  I didn't have a clue that I was dealing with this most heinous of evils.

After all, I trust the Lord implicitly and fully - and I have a long track record as proof.

But when we try to figure out and reason out why things are happening as they are, when we ruminate over others or over situations, in that moment OUR EYES ARE OFF OF GOD.  Therein lies the pride.

Whatever we focus on in any moment - that has the power to morph into a god if we let it.  Too strong a picture?  Not really.  Because whatever we are paying attention to - giving way too much credence or thought to - that fills a larger space in our hearts and minds.  It nudges the Holy Spirit out of His rightful place in our hearts - full occupation, full residence.

Now how on earth are we supposed to keep such vigilance over our prone-to-wander hearts?  Not by tightening our grip - trying to control more - but by letting go.

We can pray something like this:  Lord, I can't possibly figure all of this out.  It weighs on my heart and mind but I don't want it to.  I am powerless to fix or heal, Lord.  Only You can do these perfectly.  Please forgive me for looking to anyone or anything else - even my own "smarts" or reasoning - over You, for this is idolatry.  This is putting self first, before You, because I ruminate over matters instead of leaving them with You; trusting You with all of them.  As if I can do anything about them anyway!

Though acknowledging this is painful, Lord, as it takes a chunk out of my flesh (this is a good thing!), I thank You for bringing it to light.  

In a world that preaches and condones putting self first, that is not how I am called to live as Your daughter.  Please make me more sensitive to when I do this, Lord.  I want to put You first above everyone and everything - especially myself.  Because You are Lord and deserve to be treated as such.  Only You are worthy of my trust and worship, Lord Jesus.

Restore me, Lord Jesus, in my heart, mind, and soul.  You have not left Your Almighty Throne of Omnipotence for even a millisecond.  I pray that You would remain on the throne of my heart likewise, dear Lord.  Oh how I need You and Your grace and mercy to achieve this!

I repent of putting myself first, Lord, and choose instead, to trust You completely.  Help me break this awful habit of reasoning, overthinking, and the like.  You died to set and keep me free, Lord Jesus!  I want to live in that freedom of perfect trust in You always.  This is my resting place.  This is my joy.  This is where I belong.  This is what You created me for:  perfect communion with You.

Next time I fail You, Lord, in this, I pray that You lead me back to You right away.  When I put anyone before you, including myself and my reasoning, it only leads to eventual upheaval and unrest in my soul.  And You made me for more!  You made me for Yourself, Lord.  Make pleasing You my go-to way of being in this world, Lord.  Thank You that I can trust You with everything.

In Your most wonderful, awesome, precious, and omnipotent Name I pray, Lord Jesus.  Amen!